Father, how do I express the way I am feeling right now. My heart is so full of desire I can not even go to sleep. It is 2 am in the morning. My body is just shaken to the core. Some of my desire comes from wanting to share with others some of the things that you have shared with me, soul touching revelations. 

You have really laid your heart out there in the open. I want you to know I do not want to hurt you any more. Your word is so clear. If you look in from the outside it would seem that I am still holding back from you and all those who love me. I haven’t given my all to anyone.

The most disturbing part of this realization is that I haven’t voluntary opened up to you Father. Oh, I know you know everything about me, even the hair on my head is numbered. But I have not come to your throne with my heart wide open for all to see. If I could learn to recognize and banish the demons that control that part of my life, I could have a better relationship with you and all those who matter in my life. The added bonus would be being able to release the depths of my heart to tell the greatest story ever told.

My eyes have finally opened up to see that some of the demons that have been damaging my relationships deal with trust. There is something that I have to confess, and believe me I am ashamed to have to admit it, but I know that it is something that I have to say because there may be others out there that feel the same way I did. I have said for a long time that I trust in God. That’s what it says to do in the bible and I fully believe in the word of God. But, I realized something.

Michael and I were talking and I was explaining why I thought I didn’t trust in him as much as I should have with him being my husband. When I was younger I was sexually abused by men in my family. Men who were supposed to be my protectors and caregivers. And, as I got older more men hurt me, humiliated me, abandoned me and left me for worthless. Causing me to not trust any man. To my surprise I had grouped God in with all men. The fact being that I didn’t fully trust him.

Comprehending this I opened that door to God and asked him in. I can now say wholeheartedly, and without a shadow of doubt, that I trust in God one hundred percent. I know that on the outside looking in at the situation I have been faced with, this dying of cancer that people do not understand. How I can now have a peace, a peace in my life that passes all understanding and I can say that because the feeling that I carry in my heart is one of such great peace that there are no words to describe it.

My life is not over yet, and the valleys and mountains that I have traveled through are journeys of great magnitude. That I would not change. Some people would be shocked to hear my story. I have kept so much of me hidden for so long. It is so hard to unlock these doors to those memories. They have been visited so rarely that the locks seemed to be stuck. They won’t budge. I need to get the master key from you Father. Unlock these doors and clean out the storage rooms. File each chapter in its appropriate place to reveal the true me. Its time to recognize the good, the bad, and beautiful. Bet you thought I was going to say ugly didn’t ya!

Well, I think it is time that I understand that the things that I have come through I thought were ugly. You have brought these to light as things that have made me stronger, more patient, you taught me how to forgive and love with all of my heart. I would have to say that, that is a beautiful thing. A new year is started.  I want to make the best of this year to come. I have wasted so much time with my eyes closed, when all along the only thing I need to do was wake up. 

You succeeded in waking me up when you threw that cup of ice water on me called cancer, with hospice stepping up to care for me where the doctors can do no more, and a prognosis of only 3 months left. Which I hesitate to accept because God is not finished with me yet. God has more information on that subject than any doctor I know.

I honestly believed like most people do that I could get things dealt with tomorrow. Well for me tomorrow may be a lot closer than expected. When you do not look closely, time seems to be in an abundance. You know that old saying, don’t worry I have plenty of time. Well the sand in the hour glass is getting low and you don’t get a chance to turn the hour glass over and start again. I pray that as each sand passes through the opening in that hour glass that I accomplish something that will glorify God. Amen!

Written December 31, 2004.
Tesha passed away on February 25th, 2005.